The Philosophers' Song

The Philosophers' Song was a popular Monty Python song rendered in the show ostensibly by a number of cod-Australian university lecturers. They were all called Bruce and taught at the University of Woolloomooloo. (Woolloomooloo is an inner suburb of Sydney, Australia. There is actually no university there, but there is one at Bruce, a suburb of Canberra.)

The song itself makes a series of scurrilous allegations against a number of highly respected philosophers, usually with regard to their capacity or incapacity for imbibing intoxicating liquors.

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

Who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar

Who could think you under the table

David Hume could out-consume

Schoepenhauer and Hegel,

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel!

There's nothin' Nietzche couldn't teach ya

'bout the raisin' of the wrist.

Socrates himself was permanently pissed!

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will

On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away,

Half a crate of whisky every day

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,

Hobbes was fond of his dram.

And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:

"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed.

A lovely little thinker,

But a bugger when he's pissed!

See also : Monty Pythons Flying Circus